Siblings: Setting the Stage for Positive Sibling Relationships

Regardless of what you imagine when your planning your family, siblings don't always have that loving feeling toward one another--regardless of age or birth order. At the same time, relationships with siblings are generally the longest bonds of our lifetimes, as we share more time and history together than do parents and children, partners or spouses, and friendship. So, it's up to parents to strive for positive and long-lasting relationships among children in the home.

Setting the stage for positive sibling relationships

Don't feel a need to tell your child the moment you know you are expecting another baby. That's too much time. While advance planning and preparation is a must, the duration of a pregnancy is typically too long for a young child to wait. Rather, time the news of a new baby when a growing belly makes it obvious or when new purchases or rearranging are about to be made.


Don't tell your oldest child he needs to "give up" space for a new baby. Instead, talk about how you are regarding your child with a "bigger kid" space, Avoid the common mistake of taking a youngster's crib away just as a new baby is born. Your tot may not feel ready initially for a toddler bed and be resentful of the baby as a result.


Seek out ways an older child can help with a younger sibling or new baby, but don't force chores. You want your child to feel like a helpful assistant and not a go-fetcher. Follow your child's lead on involvement with a new baby.


Provide your older child with one-on-one time with parents that don't involve the new baby. In the end, your child most wants to feel special and reassured that he is still loved and valued.


Ask your child's caregiver to help older child adjust to extended family. Utilize the adage that it takes a whole village to raise a child, and ask your youngster's childcare provider or teacher to lend a helping hand. Often, a caregiver can help a child adjust to an extended family or new baby by talking about families and about possible emotions a child may be feeling.

Realize that there's no perfect spacing of children by age. There are many theories and recommendations about whether children are closer when they are near in age or whether they are further apart, but for every rule there is an exception (and likewise). Parents sometimes like the idea that two similar-age children will be very close in interests and be playmates for one another or that a larger span will provide for helping hands of the older one to the younger one. While this can indeed be the case, be realistic in knowing that closeness or intense squabbling may depend on personalities, jealousies, and family dynamics overall and not just age. In a tough economy, the cost of raising a child can become a more important factor than age spread.
Siblings from blended families

Blended families are commonplace today, but parents often err in not allowing enough transition time. Just because each parent has a son around the same age, for example, doesn't necessarily mean they will become fast friends. Of course, everyone would love it if that did indeed happen, but forcing friendships or piling on guilt about how your child is behaving isn't the answer.


Involve older children in family decision making as often as possible, but if there is no flexibility regarding a certain rule, then be sure not to present it that there is. Maybe new step-siblings will be required to share a room, for example, but you can provide them with flexibility in choosing how to decorate it. Look for ways to minimize conflict and to promote civility. Closer relationships will take time.
Do's and Don'ts

Avoid comparing kids to one another. This sounds so easy in theory but is actually quite difficult to avoid.


Join forces as parents and avoid disagreeing with one another or taking sides with kids. Parents, particularly in blended families, should make a pact to present a unified front in front of children, and then work out differences in private. Your kids otherwise will quickly find out ways to divide and conquer.


Let kids work out their squabbles without your intervention. Since attention is a motivator for many arguments amongst children, not getting involved with your children's fights can help kids to work things out by themselves. At the same time, parents should pay attention that physical force is not being used and that someone is not getting hurt.


Don't let your kids get a rise out of you. Stay calm, cool, and collected and use that calmness to administer appropriate discipline or consequences in a non-judgmental fashion.


Utilize the fair, but not always equal, philosophy. Parents need to teach kids that being fair to all children doesn't mean being equal. A child who is older, for example, may get to stay up later or do activities that a younger sibling doesn't get to do. A child's party invite doesn't mean the other kids get to attend as well. Your job as a parent would be extremely challenging if you afforded all kids with equal opportunities to participate in the same things at the same time--regardless of age appropriateness.


Don't force siblings to be "buddies;" your very actions may backfire. Relationships will typically develop naturally, and in spite of your best efforts, your kids may not be particularly close. Or, they may become inseparable. While it is fair to expect civil behavior, don't require your child to act happy or pretend to be excited about a sibling or impending birth. Offer support and then your child work out some of his potentially conflicting emotions with you there by his side. Regardless of their common interests, what they will have is the common bond of years of shared experiences and memories!


Robin McClure