Discipline - Is it Okay to Discipline Another Parent's Child? Disciplining Out-of-Control Kids From Unsafe, Unruly Behavior Can Be Complex

Any parent has most likely encountered an out-of-control youngster at a party or playgroup who is ruining the day for everyone. You know, the one who is kicking or hitting other kids, screaming at the top of his lungs, or literally tearing the place up? If it's your kid, you know what you need to do. But what happens when it is someone else's kid who needs disciplining...and the parent is either obvious, in denial, or worst of all, not even around? When should you step in and discipline another person's child, and what should you do?

Disciplining another person's child can make even the most seasoned parent cringe and retreat. On one hand, parents of toddlers and preschool-aged children often have their hands full with making sure their own child acts appropriately--no small feat for anyone. But if you're the one hosting a birthday party or playgroup social, then you're in charge of ALL aspects--including behavior. Like it or not, if a tot's actions are ruining the day or possibly causing harm to others and the child's parent isn't handling the situation, you're going to have to step up and take action.

Too often parents wait as long as possible before disciplinary action is taken in the hopes that the child settles down or the kid's parent intervenes. But waiting and hoping can actually allow the bad behavior to spiral even more out-of-control. Instead, do what most early educators recommend, and take swift and calm action as soon as a problem develops. If the child's parents or caregiver is present, ask them to take action. If they hesitate or the child starts up again, be prepared to step in. Consider removing the child from the situation and presenting him directly to the parent. Don't be surprised if tears or a tantrum results, but then again, that's not your problem. YOu have the safety and well-being of all kids to consider.

If the parent is not present, the situation becomes trickier. Friendships have been ruined and playgroups disbanded over hurt feelings and strong disagreements over the handling of behavioral situations. Families may have different expectations and rules surrounding acceptable behavior, and discipling a child can be sometimes be taken "personally" or even as criticism of how they are raising their child. However, not taking action could land you in hot water with the other parents.

With that said, the easiest (and safest) way to discipline another person's child is by either re-engaging them in a different activity or physically removing them from the situation and telling them why they can't continue to do what they were doing. Much of this depends on the action and age of the child. Avoiding labeling your disciplinary choice (i.e. a "timeout") to lessen chances of the other parents being offended. Instead, just say something like, "Jensen, I need you to come sit over here for a minute." Once removed from the situation, you can help the child calm down and then explain how you would like him to behave for the rest of the activity.

What behavior warrants immediate intervention?
Balancing between over-zealously stepping in and pretending the bad behavior isn't occurring can be a fine line. But these behaviors need to be stopped at once (by the parent, hopefully, but by any adult):

    Aggressive behavior that is hurting (or could hurt) another child, such as hitting, punching, biting, kicking, or using a toy as a weapon like a bat or any hard object


    Earth-shattering screeching or shrill screaming or such loud noises that it disrupts and distracts everyone in the room (and especially warranted in a public place such as a restaurant)


    Destructive behavior such as tearing things up, knocking things down, or ruining something


    Alarming behaviors such as hurting a family pet or wheeling a baby around who is in a stroller


    If you are the organizer (i.e. it is your child's birthday party), you should stop any behavior that you won't allow your own children to do.

Minimizing bad behaviors and what to do if they occur
What steps can you take to help minimize the opportunity for badly-behaving children to ruin a social event or function? Here are steps to take before the party gets started, and possible disciplinary approaches to consider ahead of time when you are calm and not stressed out!

    Use age-appropriate language to set simple rules with toddlers before activities begin. Child care providers and early educators alike that having kids calmly start an event with a "circle time" or something similar while you cheerily talk about the events at hand and expectations can at least let youngsters know they are expected to behave. If at all possible, enlist the help of other parents to assist, hear and observe so that they too know your expectations. Don't be stern or lecturing; you know how to do it in a positive and upbeat fashion, all the while talk about the fun things that are coming.


    Depending on the age of the children, consider discussing that these activities require kids to keep their hands to themselves and to stay seated, with a consequence of being removed from the activity if they can't manage themselves. Again, this is just as much for the parents as it is for the kids.


    If the activity is a playgroup, parents should set rules and agree to appropriate actions if a child gets out-of-control. (By the way, this can happen occasionally to the very best-behaved kids...including yours!) Parents should either supervise their own kid or have a cell phone and be available to retrieve their youngster if problems arise.


    If hosting a party, encourage parents to stay. If they do plan to leave, be sure to get their cell phone number before they depart as a "just in case" measure. If you have too many kids to adequately supervise and manage without a lot of help, the truth is, you've probably invited too many kids for the age group at hand anyway. While it's too late if you've already sent the invites, remember that a smaller group will most likely be more fun and memorable overall.


    Keep your cool when a child misbehaves. Remember that kids will be kids, and that doesn't always include the very best of behaviors. Besides, next time it could be YOUR kid behaving badly.


....... From Robin McClure

Child health and safety: What you should know about silent concussions

Your child takes a hard fall and bumps his head on a stair banister, gets clobbered by a soccer ball, or is bopped in the head by another tot at daycare. He doesn't lose consciousness, and seems okay afterward. Is he?

Traditional advice used to be that a child would be considered okay if there was no loss of consciousness and she seemed fine afterward. In those cases, providers or parents typically rendered some good ol' TLC and perhaps an ice pack until a child felt good enough to continue his day. What doctors are saying today, however, is that losing consciousness should not be considered the criteria to determine whether your child might have a concussion or swelling.

Recent studies have indicated that other, less signs that can accompany a serious concussion or even a life-threatening condition resulting from swelling of the brain. And it doesn't require broken skin or a massive impact point to potentially cause a serious or even fatal accident.

Make sure that not only you as a parent, but your child's caregiver, coach, teacher, or adult in charge are aware of signs of possible silent concussions and for you to be alerted immediately if any symptoms described below occur after an injury to the head--no matter how seemingly minor.

Call the doctor if your child has hurt her head and has ANY of the following symptoms:

    headache--even a mild one

    sense of fogginess

    dizziness

    blurry or double vision

    confusion

Don't delay in getting to the doctor, and explain to the receptionist that your child suffered trauma or injury during play or sports to the head. Most likely your child will check out to be just fine, but this is one injury that warrants prompt attention just to be sure.

.... Robin McClure

Amazing Grace: Tips For Teaching Child Manners

The holidays aren't the only time a kid should demonstrate good child manners--but special occasions, parties or family gatherings are when parents most want their children to be acting their best. For children to exhibit respect, tolerance, and social graces at these special times, however, means those important lessons must have already been learned. Teachers and senior adults agree that today's children demonstrate less child manners than in previous generations, which is not a compliment for today's youth.

Children who grow up without learning respect and tolerance, as well as how to act in social settings, are at greater risk of not being successful as adults in work settings and at social events. Parents, teachers and providers can team together to start teaching and reinforcing appropriate child manners now and in time to impress even Great-Grandpa at the next family dinner. How?

Here are some tips for teaching kids social graces.

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T is Class Manners 101. Aretha Franklin sings about respect, and it is a fundamental skill needed for learning about child manners overall. Children must first be taught about respect--for their parents, for their friends and family, and for themselves. Here is where the issue of respect and manners gets sticky. The "old school" still believes in teaching kids the basic rules of never calling an adult by a first name, always responding with either "Yes Sir" or a "Yes, Mrs. Smith," and never, ever talking back or questioning an adult's directive. With that said, many individuals today believe some of the more traditional social rules to be too formal and too restrictive for today's kids. It is okay to agree to disagree with some of the recommended social rules. The key is to determine what rules are appropriate for child manners in your family or at your school or day care, and then to enforce them. These rules can be applied to sharing, asking to borrow a crayon, lining up in a hallway, and what actions cause a consequence and why. And, by doing so, adults teach respect along the way.


    Appropriate mealtime child manners should be taught as soon as a child begins eating at the table. Amazingly enough, many kids have never been formally told that they should not have their elbows on the table or where to leave their napkin. Kids don't automatically know what is expect or now, what is considered right or wrong, and without adult guidance, some kids grow into adults who also don't know basic rules at mealtimes. Many a potential job offer has ended over lunch when a hiring individual observed poor manners of an applicant, and too many dates end without a connection because of boorish behavior at dinner. Why not get kids on the right track now? This does not mean all kids need to know fancy table arrangements and eat from fine china. However, holidays or special evenings out can be a great time to promote these practices. Start kids young with learning how to set the table appropriately, and then talk to them about general etiquette rules. One family has a weekly "family night out" at the dining room table, in which the better tableware and glassware are used and the table is set with candles and other arrangements. Each week, a different child in the family makes the plans. On some weeks, the meal may consist simply of hamburgers, but the family uses the special meal to teach manners, social graces, and according to the mother, "hopefully foster an enjoyment and respect of table conversation and of the dining experience in general." Some schools have programs such as cotillions for children, and some child care settings feature play meal settings or dress up teas or parties. All of these are stepping stones for teaching appropriate child manners.


    Work on one social skill at a time. Don't overburden a child with too many lessons at once. Child care providers and teachers could work with parents to promote one child manner of the month, to be reinforced both during the day and at home. A general theme of respect, table manners, phone etiquette, addressing adults, social interaction with peers, etc., could be used and then scenarios and games coordinated to help teach the general message. Parents could help a kid's understanding of child manners by asking their child's care provider how mealtimes or share times are handled and then instilling those same processes at other times for consistency. Care providers will be glad you've asked and that you care enough to want to reinforce those teachings.


Do you want your child to exhibit social graces, charm and respect at the next holiday gathering or family dinner? Parents should not expect their kids to transform into princes and princesses without being taught and through frequent positive reinforcement and practice.

Here are more tips for teaching kids social graces and good manners.

    Praise your children when they exhibit appropriate good child manners; remind them and reinforce positive behaviors when they don't. Good manners and social skills are learned behaviors, and kids need constant and positive reinforcement. Teaching a kid how to greet adults or extend a handshake, for example, requires practice. While kids may forget, remember that they ultimately do want to please their parents and other adults in their lives by doing the right thing.

    The time to teach values is now!
    Schools and child care centers are jumping on this band wagon, with positive results. Regardless of a family's background or religious beliefs, certain values are core to everyone, such as honesty, tolerance, creating success, generosity, and kindness. La Petite Academy, for example, was recently recognized by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as the charity’s fastest-growing national sponsor after showing a 425 percent increase in funds raised between the Foundation’s fiscal year 2003 and fiscal year 2004. La Petite Academy’s commitment to the Make-A-Wish Foundation extends through its 645 schools and 80,000 children across the country. La Petite Academy’s Make-A-Wish campaign not only supports a worthy charity, but also helps teach children the importance of generosity, kindness and community involvement. The company further reinforces these positive character traits to the children in its care with a unique “Kids of Character” program. La Petite Academy offers a comprehensive curriculum that includes monthly activities specifically designed to build a sense of community and caring among children.

    Set the example! Don't expect your kids to exhibit child manners if you don't serve as a positive role model yourself. Providers comment about kids discussing "dad's burping contests" or mom "always talking with her mouth full of food." Kids do learn through observation, and think about that next time you're eating with the elbows on the table!

Robin McClure

Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem By Paul C. Holinger, M.D., M.P.H.

When a baby finds that her signals are validated and responded to appropriately—that troubles are soothed and pleasure enhanced—she begins to sense that her feelings, expressions, of her very being, are of value and important. A baby learns that she counts for something. This is the foundation of the development of self-esteem—a combination of who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you think about your future potential.

Self-esteem takes root or withers depending on how you handle your child’s signals of fun—interest and enjoyment—and validating and attending to the signals for help—distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dissmell (aversion to unpleasant odors).

As parents you are the most important people in your baby’s world. You provide your child with his first definitions of himself. You tell him through your every word, gesture, and action just how important he is and how he is perceived by the outside world.

Over the coming months and years, as your child matures and becomes an adult, his self-esteem will become a more complex web of interlocking emotions and thoughts about himself and about how he sees and is seen by others. It’s common for growing children and as well as adults to fluctuate between episodes of high and low self-esteem over the course of months or years. However, a solid foundation of self-esteem—built by appropriate responses to a child’s signals and nurtured throughout childhood—will help most people maintain a basically optimistic view of their lives and their future over the course of life’s ups and downs.

Your goal now, with your baby, is to help him develop a sense of himself that is reasonably solid and stable. As he grows, that will allow him to perceive his talents and abilities accurately, respond to life with flexibility, and look at his goals and capacities realistically.

Of course, the real key is loving the very essence of your child—loving and valuing the child for himself or herself, who he or she is. But this is often easier said than done—especially if the parents have not been loved and valued. Yet, understanding the nine signals can be useful here too: Much of the child’s essence is wrapped up in her interests and enjoyments; and understanding and attending to the negative signals can help prevent the cycles of frustration, hurt, and anger which can so contaminate the parent-child relationship and erode the child’s internal world.

The Foundation of Self-Esteem

From the first days of your baby’s life, you can lay the foundation for self-esteem by responding appropriately to your child’s signals for help (distress, anger, etc.) and fun (interest and enjoyment).

Many experts believe that another important building block of self-esteem involves a child’s experience of competence. Competence is initially achieved as a result of the brain’s capacity to create order out of the disorder of all the incoming stimuli. An infant’s inherent ability to develop competence lays the foundation for later, more sophisticated mastery of interaction with the world and people, which in turn may produce a sense of self-esteem. One part of this development, as a child grows, is learning that he is able to exert control over external events. Another, as he interacts with his environment, is learning how to adapt in a healthy way to the external world’s social requirements and expectations.

Focusing Appropriate Attention on the Child. Babies thrive when they feel they are of genuine interest to you and are the center of your universe. They use their nine signals to express their entire range of emotions. When a baby cries, or fusses, or coos, she expects you to react with as much enthusiasm or distress as she does about what is happening to her. 

What parents sometimes forget is that to babies those reactions of distress are proportional to the situation. Not being able to get a hold of a ball that rolled into a corner is terrible! And your baby wants you to pay attention to him when he announces it in no uncertain terms. He finds himself incapable of righting the situation himself—no matter what he does, he’ll never be able to reach the ball. Talk about frustration! So he asks for your help in the only way he can—by making a scene. If that doesn’t elicit your sympathy and attention, if you don’t respond and help your baby out of his distress, he will begin to think that his problems don’t really matter, how he feels doesn’t count. Instead, if you take the opportunity to pay attention, validating and confirming his feelings and perceptions, you will help your child become confident. 

Provide Reward and Praise. Along with paying attention, reward and praise from you are essential to child’s self-esteem. You must never forget how much your child wants to be like you and to be liked by you. Kids need to hear that you approve of them and think they are wonderful. They long to see the “gleam in your eye” that signals love and approval. You can’t assume they know how you feel. They don’t. They need to be told, over and over and over. In the long run, reward and praise tend to be better and healthier motivators than fear and shame. Of course, whenever you’re dealing with behavior, it is also important to explain to the child the pros and cons, the reasons and rationales, for whatever issue is at stake. 

Offer Protection. If a child perceives the world as threatening or dangerous, it is almost impossible for her to feel brave and strong, to know that she can make her way through it successfully. But when you respond to your child’s negative signals of distress and anger by allowing expression of the signals and then removing the triggers, you have begun to give her the tools to deal with the world. When it comes to feeling confident, nothing helps a helpless baby like knowing she can depend on you to shield her from danger and distress. 

How Self-Esteem is Damaged 

Some parents inadvertently diminish their children’s self-esteem by interfering with or belittling their signals for interest and enjoyment. This triggers the automatic, built-in response of shame, and shame erodes self-esteem. 

In my clinical practice, I frequently work with families in which both the parents and children have a variety of troubles related to a poor sense of self and self-esteem. The adults in these families often don’t understand how feelings and emotions work. The family ends up in a toxic situation because there is a mismatch between the child’s expression of emotional needs and the parent’s ability to respond appropriately. Often, then, the children fail to develop a solid sense of self—who they are, what they like and don’t like, a confidence in their perceptions and feelings, and so on. The resulting tension that develops between parent and child can contribute to the erosion of his self-esteem. The child may become angry, defensive, intolerant, and inflexible, or withdrawn, self-destructive, envious, and fearful. In fact, a whole variety of the less pleasing personality traits can be directly attributed to a person’s lack of belief in his own essential worth. Think bully. Think timid. Think depressed, depleted, and drained. These different qualities result, in part, from a lack of self-esteem. 

The results of these kinds of parenting missteps can be heartbreaking. But the results of positive parenting are tremendous. You and your child are able to enjoy one another’s company, to delight in the deepening of your friendship. You gain access to the delightfully quirky way the world looks to a child. You learn as your baby learns. You gain confidence in your parenting skills; your self-esteem increases. Over time, you become ever more able to allow your child to grow into a unique, self-confident being. And because she has a solid sense of self, she will become capable of forming fulfilling relationships and of maintaining a healthy autonomy. 

......From Robin McClure

Child Discipline - Is Spanking a Child Ever Okay

To spank or not to spank? That continues to be the question when it comes to child discipline, and just about everyone has a strong and often emotional opinion.

While most people (at least publicly) decry the use of spanking as a form of child discipline, more people do spank their kids than they let on. Instead, many spanking opponents still justify "swats" or "smacks" or even "popping of the hands or head" as different than spanking. But spanking doesn't literally just mean the kind where a child is bent over your knees and whose bottom is struck with a hand (or even belt). Most define spanking as any physical contact that involves striking a child for the purpose of stopping a behavior or action or getting their attention.

With all that said, most child psychologists, pediatricians, so-called parenting experts, educators and middle-class parents oppose spanking. The reasoning is that spanking can cause life-long emotional damage to a child (and sometimes even physical damage as well). Plus, spanking opponents argue, there are plenty of other alternative ways to discipline a child who is acting inappropriately.

Proponents of spanking are often religious conservatives, who reference corporal punishment (spanking) as being the preferred way to discipline children in accordance with the Bible. Who hasn't heard the reference, "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" Proponents say that spanking, when used appropriately, creates a better sense of discipline and doing the right thing in children. They strongly argue against opponents' claims that spanking a child teaches them to become violent adults.

Proponents also argue that occasionally spanking a child who is acting unsafely or terribly does not make them child abusers or parents with anger problems. They also point to how well-behaved their child is, especially compared with out-of-control, disrespectful and tantrum-prone youngsters whose parents keep threatening them with "time-outs" or "going to bed early" without changing the behavior.

So who uses spanking as a form of child discipline today?
It's hard to know exactly what percentage of parents or caregivers (like grandparents) actually spank a child, because many who do don't admit to it. But essentially, people who spank, at least occasionally, include:
Caregivers from older generations, who were spanked as children and believe that they turned out to be absolutely fine. Grandparents and even older parents whose parents spanked them appropriately indicate they remember the experience, and as a result, effectively learned to not repeat the same inappropriate child action again.


Harried parents, often of multiple young children, who spank (but usually refer to it as an occasional "smack" or "slap" rather than spanking). These parents indicate that they only correct their children this way only when it involves an inherent danger to a child (themselves or to others). An example of this is a parent who smacks a child's hand who is about to touch a hot stove.


Caregivers (parents or any adults) may also spank a child when, after being disciplined using another method, deliberately repeat the same behavior, as if to antagonize the parent. An example is a child who runs through a store (yes, it happens) and pulls things down from shelves, after being told not too repeatedly. You see this too with kids stepping into the street after they have told to stay on the curb. Swatting a child gets their attention and may stop the behavior, and possible tragedy, from occurring.
Why is this such an emotional issue?
Child Protective Services or even the police have been called to investigate situations where an adult spanks a child in public. Well-meaning adults may intervene when the situation may or may not call for it. There is a fine line and considerable judgment involved when a spanking becomes abuse. Parental rage, brought on by an out-of-control child, can result in horrible and tragic results. At the same time, a swat on the backside to stop a really bad behavior isn't abuse, although some may still insist it is.

Until the last 10 to 20 years (depending on the school), corporal punishment was routinely used in the classroom to put an immediate halt to inappropriate behaviors. Parents were typically notified after the fact. If you disagreed with the use of spanking, you were to sign a form attesting to that at the beginning of each school year, and then were typically required to meet with the school administrators to determine an alternative discipline. Now, most, if not all, schools ban the use of corporal punishment and even designate their stance opposing it in their informational handbooks. But some educators lament that not being able to dispense immediate punishment means kids may escape any disciplinary action at all, or have it be so lame (such as missing recess) that they laugh about it later.

Whether or not you overtly oppose any type of spanking, support it in very limited cases, or like many parents, publicly decry its use but privately have used it at least once on a defiant or out-of-control child, the controversy surrounding it isn't likely to end for generations to come.

If you have a strong opinion about spanking of any type and under any circumstance with a child, be sure to convey that to your child's caregivers (family providers, day care workers or babysitters, or friends). At the same time, be prepared to offer up what alternative measures you do permit.

Too many previously-successful child care arrangements have ended because of a lack of communication about permissable child care discipline strategies. And, if your parents spanked you on occasion but you adamantly oppose it with your child, don't just assume the child's grandparents will just know your position. Get it out in the open before they take on child care duties.
..... Robin McClure

Siblings: Setting the Stage for Positive Sibling Relationships

Regardless of what you imagine when your planning your family, siblings don't always have that loving feeling toward one another--regardless of age or birth order. At the same time, relationships with siblings are generally the longest bonds of our lifetimes, as we share more time and history together than do parents and children, partners or spouses, and friendship. So, it's up to parents to strive for positive and long-lasting relationships among children in the home.

Setting the stage for positive sibling relationships

Don't feel a need to tell your child the moment you know you are expecting another baby. That's too much time. While advance planning and preparation is a must, the duration of a pregnancy is typically too long for a young child to wait. Rather, time the news of a new baby when a growing belly makes it obvious or when new purchases or rearranging are about to be made.


Don't tell your oldest child he needs to "give up" space for a new baby. Instead, talk about how you are regarding your child with a "bigger kid" space, Avoid the common mistake of taking a youngster's crib away just as a new baby is born. Your tot may not feel ready initially for a toddler bed and be resentful of the baby as a result.


Seek out ways an older child can help with a younger sibling or new baby, but don't force chores. You want your child to feel like a helpful assistant and not a go-fetcher. Follow your child's lead on involvement with a new baby.


Provide your older child with one-on-one time with parents that don't involve the new baby. In the end, your child most wants to feel special and reassured that he is still loved and valued.


Ask your child's caregiver to help older child adjust to extended family. Utilize the adage that it takes a whole village to raise a child, and ask your youngster's childcare provider or teacher to lend a helping hand. Often, a caregiver can help a child adjust to an extended family or new baby by talking about families and about possible emotions a child may be feeling.

Realize that there's no perfect spacing of children by age. There are many theories and recommendations about whether children are closer when they are near in age or whether they are further apart, but for every rule there is an exception (and likewise). Parents sometimes like the idea that two similar-age children will be very close in interests and be playmates for one another or that a larger span will provide for helping hands of the older one to the younger one. While this can indeed be the case, be realistic in knowing that closeness or intense squabbling may depend on personalities, jealousies, and family dynamics overall and not just age. In a tough economy, the cost of raising a child can become a more important factor than age spread.
Siblings from blended families

Blended families are commonplace today, but parents often err in not allowing enough transition time. Just because each parent has a son around the same age, for example, doesn't necessarily mean they will become fast friends. Of course, everyone would love it if that did indeed happen, but forcing friendships or piling on guilt about how your child is behaving isn't the answer.


Involve older children in family decision making as often as possible, but if there is no flexibility regarding a certain rule, then be sure not to present it that there is. Maybe new step-siblings will be required to share a room, for example, but you can provide them with flexibility in choosing how to decorate it. Look for ways to minimize conflict and to promote civility. Closer relationships will take time.
Do's and Don'ts

Avoid comparing kids to one another. This sounds so easy in theory but is actually quite difficult to avoid.


Join forces as parents and avoid disagreeing with one another or taking sides with kids. Parents, particularly in blended families, should make a pact to present a unified front in front of children, and then work out differences in private. Your kids otherwise will quickly find out ways to divide and conquer.


Let kids work out their squabbles without your intervention. Since attention is a motivator for many arguments amongst children, not getting involved with your children's fights can help kids to work things out by themselves. At the same time, parents should pay attention that physical force is not being used and that someone is not getting hurt.


Don't let your kids get a rise out of you. Stay calm, cool, and collected and use that calmness to administer appropriate discipline or consequences in a non-judgmental fashion.


Utilize the fair, but not always equal, philosophy. Parents need to teach kids that being fair to all children doesn't mean being equal. A child who is older, for example, may get to stay up later or do activities that a younger sibling doesn't get to do. A child's party invite doesn't mean the other kids get to attend as well. Your job as a parent would be extremely challenging if you afforded all kids with equal opportunities to participate in the same things at the same time--regardless of age appropriateness.


Don't force siblings to be "buddies;" your very actions may backfire. Relationships will typically develop naturally, and in spite of your best efforts, your kids may not be particularly close. Or, they may become inseparable. While it is fair to expect civil behavior, don't require your child to act happy or pretend to be excited about a sibling or impending birth. Offer support and then your child work out some of his potentially conflicting emotions with you there by his side. Regardless of their common interests, what they will have is the common bond of years of shared experiences and memories!


Robin McClure

Brat Attack: Stopping Tantrums

Who hasn't heard an out-of-control toddler shrieking at the top of his lungs in a store while a frantic (and embarrassed) parent tries to defuse the situation? Anyone with toddlers knows the scenario all-too-well, and babysitters and providers alike have experienced the wails, acts of defiance, or outright tantrums. So, we all know what a toddler tantrum is; the question is what can be done about this brat-like behavior?

The good news is that child experts say that tantrums are typically not caused to test a parent's patience; rather, they are a typical part of growing up. Toddlers often act out because they are learning to control themselves and to develop independence. However, having said that, it doesn't mean parents should condone the behavior. Rather, parents and/or providers need to learn to manage the situations to make it less stressful on everyone involved. And part of that is by learning more about what typically causes the tantrum eruptions and find a solution to avoid those triggers.

To help in determining what helps to minimize tantrums, parents should note patterns concerning behavior as to when your child is at his best and at his worst; and what happens when she is hungry or tired; overstimulated; bored; or frustrated. Then, give the following suggestions a try.

As possible, try and schedule on-the-go activities during your child's peak times and avoid trips to the store and other errands during key meltdown times. Really observe and listen to your child, and understand that sometimes tantrums occur because your toddler is trying to communicate a feeling or need, and is frustrated over not being understood.


Praise, praise, praise good behavior and talk about what your expectations are and what consequences will be administered if bad behavior occurs. If you decide to reward a child for good behavior, consider making it in the form of a non-gift and non-food. The "treat" for great behavior, for example, can be 10 minutes of snuggle time in a favorite chair with a parent and picking a favorite book to look at together. Many parents fall into a trap of "buying" a child's good behavior, only to find that it backfires because kids will learn to manipulate that toward their own gain.


Be prepared to back up what consequences you set for a child, even if that means leaving a store without making the planned purchases, or really putting a child to bed for the evening 2 hours early. Parents/providers also need to not take it so personally when a child exhibits bratty behavior from time to time, and try and keep calm control and not let the explosion get the best of them.


The best news about tantrums is that they really and truly will pass. As kids continue to develop and improve their ability to communicate and make their wants/needs known, the tantrums will typically diminish. But not to worry; it only means children are on to their next stage of behavior and growth, and with it new actions and misdeeds to keep a handle on!


...... Robin McClure

Are today's kids too stressed out?

Are today's kids too stressed out?
Are we raising a generation of stressed-out kids? Sadly, the answer seems to be yes. Family dynamics, money concerns, social issues, and academic pressures seem to be the culprits. Several studies have taken a close look about kids and their level of anxiety. Would you say that today's kids seem more stressed out than when you were a child?
Answer: If you answered yes to whether today's kids are more stressed out than youth of previous generations, you'd be correct. Concerns about money, family dynamics, homework and overall school success, pressure to excel in extracurricular activities, and social issues are the culprits.

According to several new studies, average kids today are more stressed and anxious than their peers who were treated for a variety of psychiatric issues in previous generations. The findings also attributed causes as relating to higher divorce rates, concerns about the environment, and less social connectivity.

While stress is a normal occurrence during certain childhood periods, such as when studying for a final exam, for example, findings also indicate that kids are becoming stressed at an earlier age. In addition, pressures kids are feeling to succeed, due to traumatic events (like 9-11), or discussions about the environment and global warming, can add additional concerns. Parents may unwittingly contribute to a child's level of anxiety by putting them in too many competitive activities or having too-high of expectations at an early age.

Whatever happened to the notion of letting kids to simply be kids and learn through play and imagination?

...... Robin McClure

Keep Your Baby Comfortable in Inclement Weather

Sometimes it's hard to know how to dress your baby, particularly if you're going to be in and out of the house or car. Read these tips on keeping your baby comfortable both in and out of the house, all winter long.


Cold weather can be difficult to deal with when you have a baby. Whether you're inside the house or outside in the elements, you want to be sure that your baby is cozy but not overheated. Here are some simple baby clothing products you can use to keep your baby warm and content, no matter where you go this winter season.

When You're Hanging Out at Home

Chances are, you'll fight with yourself over the temperature at which to set the thermostat. You want the baby to be warm, but you don't want to sweat all day either. Here's the good news: babies really only need one more layer of clothing than adults do. So when you're hanging out at home for the day, just throw a lightweight sweatshirt or cardigan over the baby for a little extra warmth and forget about cranking up the thermostat. To keep toes warm, I recommend a simple pair of soft-soled baby shoes like Robeez or slippers like those from UGG.
For nap or bedtime, I recommend using a fleece sleep sack like this one from Halo. This will keep your baby plenty warm without extra layers or blankets, which can ultimately increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Unsure of how to purchase the proper sleep sack? Check out this video that shows you how to select the proper sleep sack for your baby.

When You Head Out for the Day

Dress in layers! Create a base layer with a thermal-regulating bamboo bodysuit and top it with several thin layers. This is particularly important if you'll be riding in the car because a bulky coat is not safe to wear in a baby carseat.
Don't forget a hat and mittens for your day out as well. Typically mittens that are connected by a string work best for babies because, even if they can get them off, they can't lose them somewhere in the back seat. If you want to make sure your baby doesn't take of their mittens, you can always use a pair of socks in place of traditional mittens.

Whenever you head out in the car, be sure you have an emergency baby clothes kit with you in the event you have a roadside breakdown. Nothing fancy, this kit is something you can put together yourself and store in a simple travel bag. To transport the baby from the house to the car or the car to your final destination, just wrap him in a blanket. This will keep him just as warm as if he were wearing a bulky jacket — plus it gives you an excuse to get in a few extra cuddles!

If you plan to spend a significant amount of time out in the winter elements, it's a good idea to invest in a baby bunting for your car seat or stroller as well as a pair of baby sunglasses. Baby sunglasses might seem like an odd choice for wintertime adventures, but it's actually more important that your baby wears sunglasses in the winter than in the summer; the reflection of the suns rays off the snow creates a stronger glare and is more harmful for your baby's eyes. Be sure to purchase a pair of baby sunglasses that provides the ultimate in protection. Above all else, don't forget the sunscreen!

Keeping your baby warm in the winter isn't hard; with a few simple wardrobe adjustments, you can easily keep him happy all day long.

.......Stacie McClintock

Before You Lose Charge: Ways to Keep Your Cool Around Kids

Of course you love kids, but sometimes they can truly make you want to scream or lose control. Kids have a way of sometimes bringing out the absolutely worst in adults. They can bait, talk back, and pout until you scream, "I give!" Early childhood educators offer these ideas for staying sane and in charge.

Let Kids Make Choices

Whether it is on how they spend their allowance or the type of sneakers they want, parents need to back off and let kids age-appropriate changes. Too often, parents initially give a child a choice, only to take it away by applying pressure, laying on the guilt, or making a kid upset. It's not really a child's choice if a parent tells kids what to do, is it? As long as choices fit within reason (such as dress code rules, budget, correct size, being age appropriate), then go along with it and don't badger them about it later.

Avoid Trap Triggers

Kids learn that certain words or actions can send parents into orbit or into a rage--and when they succeed, you as a parent lose. The key is to stay calm and in control. After all, you are not in charge only when you give that power away. Kids may say hurtful things ("I hate my life"), try and guilt you into purchasing something you disagree with ("Everyone my age has one but me"), or even give you the silent treatment, but avoid the trap by not over-reacting, or if possible, not reacting at all!

Let Kids Know It's Okay to Disagree

You want to raise independent-minded kids...right? That means that you also need to let them feel free to disagree with you, as long as it is done in a respectful way. Kids should learn to have and express their own point of view in a tasteful way, and conversations about how different family members think about thinks encourages mutual respect and positive family dynamics.

Let Kids Have Control Over Activities

Parents sometimes err in insisting that their kids take ballet lessons "because they'll love it later" or participate in soccer year after year "so they'll make the high school team" over protests. While parents should help direct young kids to certain activities based on interests or abilities, it is important to not relive your life through your kids and to mandate activities. Perhaps it's letting them choose between two equally-acceptable options (such as trying baseball or karate) and then supporting their decision.

Make Time On Their Terms to Talk

Parents always want to know how a child feels or why he is upset. Kids may not want or are unable to express their emotions, and parents should gather information on a child's terms instead of "insisting" on answers on the spot. Sometimes kids need time to process how they feel and may very well be able to resolve their emotions on their own. Parents should find a time when a child seems the most responsive to conversations and let a child lead the discussion.

Avoid Drawing Lines in the Sand

Adults should be very careful in drawing battle lines they may not be willing to maintain. Avoid getting to this point by not picking up the attacks or responding to something out of anger. Instead, a parent can choose to take a time-out from the conversation and agree to bring it up at a later point. If you do draw a line, however, you should be sure to stay firm and back it up or else kids will quickly figure out you are willing to change your position and issues if they bug you long enough.

Let Kids Maintain Their Personal Space

Whether it is their messy bedroom, unbrushed hair, or even wrinkled clothes, parents should try their best to bite their tongue and not offer unsolicited advice or retorts. Kids need to have their personal space and learn responsibility over their personal look and grooming efforts as well. Adults quickly learn that kids sometimes goad reactions by doing exactly the opposite a parent requests, so don't go there!

Don't Criticize Them and Their Friends

Your children love you, and hurtful words and criticisms, especially in the guise of helpful parenting, can damage a parent-child relationship. Avoid cutting remarks and alienating their friends unless you truly know there is a legal, social or true reason why you must. Get over not liking someone who is your child's friend if you don't have any particular reason why or simply think the child is odd. Don't play the "bad influence" card unless you have absolute proof that this is the case. If so, parenting power can certainly step in.

Are today's kids too stressed out?

Question: Are today's kids too stressed out?

Are we raising a generation of stressed out kids? Several studies have taken a close look about kids and their level of anxiety. Would you say that today's kids seem more stressed out than when you were a child?

Answer: If you answered yes to whether today's kids are more stressed out than youth of previous generations, you'd be correct. Concerns about money, family dynamics, homework and overall school success, pressure to excel in extracurricular activities, and social issues are the culprits.

According to several new studies, average kids today are more stressed and anxious than their peers who were treated for a variety of psychiatric issues in previous generations. The findings also attributed causes as relating to higher divorce rates, concerns about the environment, and less social connectivity.

While stress is a normal occurrence during certain childhood periods, such as when studying for a final exam, for example, findings also indicate that kids are becoming stressed at an earlier age. In addition, pressures kids are feeling to succeed, due to traumatic events (like 9-11), or discussions about the environment and global warming, can add additional concerns. Parents may unwittingly contribute to a child's level of anxiety by putting them in too many competitive activities or having too-high of expectations at an early age.

Whatever happened to the notion of letting kids to simply be kids and learn through play and imagination?

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009 

Tips for New Working Moms

After returning to work from maternity leave, many new mothers will start to worry about their company's "mommy track", or the work-life balance your company gives working mothers. Balancing your home life with the rigors of a pressure-packed work environment is not for everyone and talking to other working moms in the company will provide a good idea of what the future will hold.

If the company you currently work at seems too demanding and would take away from what you need to do at home, perhaps a more easy going employer and a relaxed working environment will give you what you need to provide for your family while having the time and energy to be a great mom at home.

Child Behavior - Why is Your Baby Crying and How Can You Stop It?

Of course your baby, or the one you are caring for, cries occasionally. But beyond the obvious reasons of hunger or a need to burp, why is she crying and what can you to get a crying baby to stop? Here are clues to deciphering a baby's cries and possible solutions.

Other reasons why your baby is crying 

1. "I'm hot!" New parents, doting grandparents or overzealous babysitters sometimes overdress a baby for the home or a stroll outdoors. Why it's obvious you don't want your baby to get chilled, the most common mistake in dressing an infant is to over-do it. It's not necessary to have on long sleeves and pants, socks, shoes, hat and then blanket wrap indoors unless it is truly cold inside. The same goes for outside. The best way to avoid over-heating a baby is to dress him in layers. Gauge his body temperature by feeling his tummy or back (cheeks or feet may always seem cool so don't use those as indicators) and then add or deduct clothes appropriately.



2. "I'm overstimulated!" Too much commotion, movement, lights or sounds can totally stress out a young baby to the point of having an "infant meltdown." While you should involve a baby in everyday routines and schedules, watch her coping skills in overly-hectic situations, and if she seems to the breaking point, help her to calm down by taking her to a quiet room with less distractions. Well-meaning parents often overstimulate their youngster with too many selections of toys or educational activities. You can avoid this by introducing one activity or toy at a time, and then watching her reaction.



3. "I'm uncomfortable." Car seats, strollers, baby carriers and more may be designed for babies but they are necessarily comfortable. Your baby may tire in being in a certain position, have clothes bunched up their back, or be situated in too-tight of safety straps. Babies may also dislike clothing labels or certain clothing materials (some cute appliques or designs may irritate delicate skin). You can help avoid this by checking clothes and straps at the start, and then pick your baby up and let him stretch out on occasion.



4. "I feel ignored!" Babies crave attention, and most are social creatures. As babies become aware that they are a separate small human being, they may become more insistent in being around their beloved caregivers. Since they can't call out for mom or dad or even nana by name, all they can do is cry. You can help by showing your baby that out of sight doesn't mean you're away, and that you are within earshot. Offer plenty of love and reassurance during this adjustment period, and consider placing baby during the daytime where he can observe your actions and just have peace of mind that you are nearby.



5. "I'm bored!" As your baby grows, she will quickly become more curious about her world and want to experience as many things as possible. That's why so many babies are content just to be carried around from room to room while a caregiver does different activities. But since carrying your child everywhere isn't always an option (nor should it be), keep in mind that babies have short attention spans and may want new stimulation and things to see frequently. So, you might avoid howls by rotating a baby's placement in the house from a bouncer to a swing or in a front-pack with you and so on.



6. "I'm exhausted!" Babies need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. So, if you're a parent or caregiver on the go and traipsing a wee one with you on all sorts of errands, chances are that he will begin to let you know about it. Babies can sleep under many environments, but sometimes a quiet sleep in their own bed does wonders for their mood!



7. "I'm colicky!"If your baby continues to whail after being checked out for all the above possible reasons (including hunger and burping), it's possible that your baby may have the dreaded colic. 

Better Parent-Child Communication

Communicating clearly with kids can be a challenge. As parents, we often find ourselves giving directions on the go, and many times, we find ourselves trying to talk to our kids while they're doing something else. Does this ever happen to you? 

Following these steps consistently will enhance communication with your child and enable him/her to follow through on the directions you give.

1. Make Eye Contact

When possible, meet your child at eye-level when you're giving directions. This ensures that your child knows you are speaking with him, and dramatically increases his ability to listen. In addition, try to keep your expression open, rather than tense or accusatory.

2. Speak in a Clear, Firm Voice

This lets your child know that you're serious about what you're asking. Be careful not to yell or use a harsh tone of voice, though, which your child is likely to tune out. Your tone should be just a little lower than your regular speaking voice, which lets your child know that you "mean business."

3. Repeat the Directions

Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you. This is a great tool for making sure your child knows what is expected. If he is unable to tell you what you had asked him to do, or if there were too many steps, take the time to go over again what you are asking. In addition, try to keep your instructions to no more than three steps. For example, "Get dressed, brush your teeth, and brush your hair." If you notice that your child consistently has trouble remembering routines, consider posting a chore chart or pictures of each step to help him stay focused.

......Jennifer Wolf

Find Your Style Of Parenting

Find Your Style Of Parenting

There are many ideas about how to rear children. Some parents adopt the ideas their own parents used. Others get advice from friends. Some read books about parenting. Others take classes offered in the community. No one has all the answers. However, psychologists and other social scientists now know what parenting practices are most effective and are more likely to lead to positive outcomes for children.

Ideas about child rearing can be grouped into three styles. These are different ways of deciding who is responsible for what in a family.

Authoritarian

Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options.

Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors.

Permissive

Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves.

Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.

Democratic Or Authoritative

Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad.

For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?"

Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until you can play with it safely."

Which Is Your Style?

Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn. Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem.

No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.

These tips were reproduced from the U.S. Department of Education.

......... Vincent Iannelli, M.D.