Child Discipline - Is Spanking a Child Ever Okay

To spank or not to spank? That continues to be the question when it comes to child discipline, and just about everyone has a strong and often emotional opinion.

While most people (at least publicly) decry the use of spanking as a form of child discipline, more people do spank their kids than they let on. Instead, many spanking opponents still justify "swats" or "smacks" or even "popping of the hands or head" as different than spanking. But spanking doesn't literally just mean the kind where a child is bent over your knees and whose bottom is struck with a hand (or even belt). Most define spanking as any physical contact that involves striking a child for the purpose of stopping a behavior or action or getting their attention.

With all that said, most child psychologists, pediatricians, so-called parenting experts, educators and middle-class parents oppose spanking. The reasoning is that spanking can cause life-long emotional damage to a child (and sometimes even physical damage as well). Plus, spanking opponents argue, there are plenty of other alternative ways to discipline a child who is acting inappropriately.

Proponents of spanking are often religious conservatives, who reference corporal punishment (spanking) as being the preferred way to discipline children in accordance with the Bible. Who hasn't heard the reference, "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" Proponents say that spanking, when used appropriately, creates a better sense of discipline and doing the right thing in children. They strongly argue against opponents' claims that spanking a child teaches them to become violent adults.

Proponents also argue that occasionally spanking a child who is acting unsafely or terribly does not make them child abusers or parents with anger problems. They also point to how well-behaved their child is, especially compared with out-of-control, disrespectful and tantrum-prone youngsters whose parents keep threatening them with "time-outs" or "going to bed early" without changing the behavior.

So who uses spanking as a form of child discipline today?
It's hard to know exactly what percentage of parents or caregivers (like grandparents) actually spank a child, because many who do don't admit to it. But essentially, people who spank, at least occasionally, include:
Caregivers from older generations, who were spanked as children and believe that they turned out to be absolutely fine. Grandparents and even older parents whose parents spanked them appropriately indicate they remember the experience, and as a result, effectively learned to not repeat the same inappropriate child action again.


Harried parents, often of multiple young children, who spank (but usually refer to it as an occasional "smack" or "slap" rather than spanking). These parents indicate that they only correct their children this way only when it involves an inherent danger to a child (themselves or to others). An example of this is a parent who smacks a child's hand who is about to touch a hot stove.


Caregivers (parents or any adults) may also spank a child when, after being disciplined using another method, deliberately repeat the same behavior, as if to antagonize the parent. An example is a child who runs through a store (yes, it happens) and pulls things down from shelves, after being told not too repeatedly. You see this too with kids stepping into the street after they have told to stay on the curb. Swatting a child gets their attention and may stop the behavior, and possible tragedy, from occurring.
Why is this such an emotional issue?
Child Protective Services or even the police have been called to investigate situations where an adult spanks a child in public. Well-meaning adults may intervene when the situation may or may not call for it. There is a fine line and considerable judgment involved when a spanking becomes abuse. Parental rage, brought on by an out-of-control child, can result in horrible and tragic results. At the same time, a swat on the backside to stop a really bad behavior isn't abuse, although some may still insist it is.

Until the last 10 to 20 years (depending on the school), corporal punishment was routinely used in the classroom to put an immediate halt to inappropriate behaviors. Parents were typically notified after the fact. If you disagreed with the use of spanking, you were to sign a form attesting to that at the beginning of each school year, and then were typically required to meet with the school administrators to determine an alternative discipline. Now, most, if not all, schools ban the use of corporal punishment and even designate their stance opposing it in their informational handbooks. But some educators lament that not being able to dispense immediate punishment means kids may escape any disciplinary action at all, or have it be so lame (such as missing recess) that they laugh about it later.

Whether or not you overtly oppose any type of spanking, support it in very limited cases, or like many parents, publicly decry its use but privately have used it at least once on a defiant or out-of-control child, the controversy surrounding it isn't likely to end for generations to come.

If you have a strong opinion about spanking of any type and under any circumstance with a child, be sure to convey that to your child's caregivers (family providers, day care workers or babysitters, or friends). At the same time, be prepared to offer up what alternative measures you do permit.

Too many previously-successful child care arrangements have ended because of a lack of communication about permissable child care discipline strategies. And, if your parents spanked you on occasion but you adamantly oppose it with your child, don't just assume the child's grandparents will just know your position. Get it out in the open before they take on child care duties.
..... Robin McClure

Siblings: Setting the Stage for Positive Sibling Relationships

Regardless of what you imagine when your planning your family, siblings don't always have that loving feeling toward one another--regardless of age or birth order. At the same time, relationships with siblings are generally the longest bonds of our lifetimes, as we share more time and history together than do parents and children, partners or spouses, and friendship. So, it's up to parents to strive for positive and long-lasting relationships among children in the home.

Setting the stage for positive sibling relationships

Don't feel a need to tell your child the moment you know you are expecting another baby. That's too much time. While advance planning and preparation is a must, the duration of a pregnancy is typically too long for a young child to wait. Rather, time the news of a new baby when a growing belly makes it obvious or when new purchases or rearranging are about to be made.


Don't tell your oldest child he needs to "give up" space for a new baby. Instead, talk about how you are regarding your child with a "bigger kid" space, Avoid the common mistake of taking a youngster's crib away just as a new baby is born. Your tot may not feel ready initially for a toddler bed and be resentful of the baby as a result.


Seek out ways an older child can help with a younger sibling or new baby, but don't force chores. You want your child to feel like a helpful assistant and not a go-fetcher. Follow your child's lead on involvement with a new baby.


Provide your older child with one-on-one time with parents that don't involve the new baby. In the end, your child most wants to feel special and reassured that he is still loved and valued.


Ask your child's caregiver to help older child adjust to extended family. Utilize the adage that it takes a whole village to raise a child, and ask your youngster's childcare provider or teacher to lend a helping hand. Often, a caregiver can help a child adjust to an extended family or new baby by talking about families and about possible emotions a child may be feeling.

Realize that there's no perfect spacing of children by age. There are many theories and recommendations about whether children are closer when they are near in age or whether they are further apart, but for every rule there is an exception (and likewise). Parents sometimes like the idea that two similar-age children will be very close in interests and be playmates for one another or that a larger span will provide for helping hands of the older one to the younger one. While this can indeed be the case, be realistic in knowing that closeness or intense squabbling may depend on personalities, jealousies, and family dynamics overall and not just age. In a tough economy, the cost of raising a child can become a more important factor than age spread.
Siblings from blended families

Blended families are commonplace today, but parents often err in not allowing enough transition time. Just because each parent has a son around the same age, for example, doesn't necessarily mean they will become fast friends. Of course, everyone would love it if that did indeed happen, but forcing friendships or piling on guilt about how your child is behaving isn't the answer.


Involve older children in family decision making as often as possible, but if there is no flexibility regarding a certain rule, then be sure not to present it that there is. Maybe new step-siblings will be required to share a room, for example, but you can provide them with flexibility in choosing how to decorate it. Look for ways to minimize conflict and to promote civility. Closer relationships will take time.
Do's and Don'ts

Avoid comparing kids to one another. This sounds so easy in theory but is actually quite difficult to avoid.


Join forces as parents and avoid disagreeing with one another or taking sides with kids. Parents, particularly in blended families, should make a pact to present a unified front in front of children, and then work out differences in private. Your kids otherwise will quickly find out ways to divide and conquer.


Let kids work out their squabbles without your intervention. Since attention is a motivator for many arguments amongst children, not getting involved with your children's fights can help kids to work things out by themselves. At the same time, parents should pay attention that physical force is not being used and that someone is not getting hurt.


Don't let your kids get a rise out of you. Stay calm, cool, and collected and use that calmness to administer appropriate discipline or consequences in a non-judgmental fashion.


Utilize the fair, but not always equal, philosophy. Parents need to teach kids that being fair to all children doesn't mean being equal. A child who is older, for example, may get to stay up later or do activities that a younger sibling doesn't get to do. A child's party invite doesn't mean the other kids get to attend as well. Your job as a parent would be extremely challenging if you afforded all kids with equal opportunities to participate in the same things at the same time--regardless of age appropriateness.


Don't force siblings to be "buddies;" your very actions may backfire. Relationships will typically develop naturally, and in spite of your best efforts, your kids may not be particularly close. Or, they may become inseparable. While it is fair to expect civil behavior, don't require your child to act happy or pretend to be excited about a sibling or impending birth. Offer support and then your child work out some of his potentially conflicting emotions with you there by his side. Regardless of their common interests, what they will have is the common bond of years of shared experiences and memories!


Robin McClure