Child Discipline - Is Spanking a Child Ever Okay

To spank or not to spank? That continues to be the question when it comes to child discipline, and just about everyone has a strong and often emotional opinion.

While most people (at least publicly) decry the use of spanking as a form of child discipline, more people do spank their kids than they let on. Instead, many spanking opponents still justify "swats" or "smacks" or even "popping of the hands or head" as different than spanking. But spanking doesn't literally just mean the kind where a child is bent over your knees and whose bottom is struck with a hand (or even belt). Most define spanking as any physical contact that involves striking a child for the purpose of stopping a behavior or action or getting their attention.

With all that said, most child psychologists, pediatricians, so-called parenting experts, educators and middle-class parents oppose spanking. The reasoning is that spanking can cause life-long emotional damage to a child (and sometimes even physical damage as well). Plus, spanking opponents argue, there are plenty of other alternative ways to discipline a child who is acting inappropriately.

Proponents of spanking are often religious conservatives, who reference corporal punishment (spanking) as being the preferred way to discipline children in accordance with the Bible. Who hasn't heard the reference, "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" Proponents say that spanking, when used appropriately, creates a better sense of discipline and doing the right thing in children. They strongly argue against opponents' claims that spanking a child teaches them to become violent adults.

Proponents also argue that occasionally spanking a child who is acting unsafely or terribly does not make them child abusers or parents with anger problems. They also point to how well-behaved their child is, especially compared with out-of-control, disrespectful and tantrum-prone youngsters whose parents keep threatening them with "time-outs" or "going to bed early" without changing the behavior.

So who uses spanking as a form of child discipline today?
It's hard to know exactly what percentage of parents or caregivers (like grandparents) actually spank a child, because many who do don't admit to it. But essentially, people who spank, at least occasionally, include:
Caregivers from older generations, who were spanked as children and believe that they turned out to be absolutely fine. Grandparents and even older parents whose parents spanked them appropriately indicate they remember the experience, and as a result, effectively learned to not repeat the same inappropriate child action again.


Harried parents, often of multiple young children, who spank (but usually refer to it as an occasional "smack" or "slap" rather than spanking). These parents indicate that they only correct their children this way only when it involves an inherent danger to a child (themselves or to others). An example of this is a parent who smacks a child's hand who is about to touch a hot stove.


Caregivers (parents or any adults) may also spank a child when, after being disciplined using another method, deliberately repeat the same behavior, as if to antagonize the parent. An example is a child who runs through a store (yes, it happens) and pulls things down from shelves, after being told not too repeatedly. You see this too with kids stepping into the street after they have told to stay on the curb. Swatting a child gets their attention and may stop the behavior, and possible tragedy, from occurring.
Why is this such an emotional issue?
Child Protective Services or even the police have been called to investigate situations where an adult spanks a child in public. Well-meaning adults may intervene when the situation may or may not call for it. There is a fine line and considerable judgment involved when a spanking becomes abuse. Parental rage, brought on by an out-of-control child, can result in horrible and tragic results. At the same time, a swat on the backside to stop a really bad behavior isn't abuse, although some may still insist it is.

Until the last 10 to 20 years (depending on the school), corporal punishment was routinely used in the classroom to put an immediate halt to inappropriate behaviors. Parents were typically notified after the fact. If you disagreed with the use of spanking, you were to sign a form attesting to that at the beginning of each school year, and then were typically required to meet with the school administrators to determine an alternative discipline. Now, most, if not all, schools ban the use of corporal punishment and even designate their stance opposing it in their informational handbooks. But some educators lament that not being able to dispense immediate punishment means kids may escape any disciplinary action at all, or have it be so lame (such as missing recess) that they laugh about it later.

Whether or not you overtly oppose any type of spanking, support it in very limited cases, or like many parents, publicly decry its use but privately have used it at least once on a defiant or out-of-control child, the controversy surrounding it isn't likely to end for generations to come.

If you have a strong opinion about spanking of any type and under any circumstance with a child, be sure to convey that to your child's caregivers (family providers, day care workers or babysitters, or friends). At the same time, be prepared to offer up what alternative measures you do permit.

Too many previously-successful child care arrangements have ended because of a lack of communication about permissable child care discipline strategies. And, if your parents spanked you on occasion but you adamantly oppose it with your child, don't just assume the child's grandparents will just know your position. Get it out in the open before they take on child care duties.
..... Robin McClure

Siblings: Setting the Stage for Positive Sibling Relationships

Regardless of what you imagine when your planning your family, siblings don't always have that loving feeling toward one another--regardless of age or birth order. At the same time, relationships with siblings are generally the longest bonds of our lifetimes, as we share more time and history together than do parents and children, partners or spouses, and friendship. So, it's up to parents to strive for positive and long-lasting relationships among children in the home.

Setting the stage for positive sibling relationships

Don't feel a need to tell your child the moment you know you are expecting another baby. That's too much time. While advance planning and preparation is a must, the duration of a pregnancy is typically too long for a young child to wait. Rather, time the news of a new baby when a growing belly makes it obvious or when new purchases or rearranging are about to be made.


Don't tell your oldest child he needs to "give up" space for a new baby. Instead, talk about how you are regarding your child with a "bigger kid" space, Avoid the common mistake of taking a youngster's crib away just as a new baby is born. Your tot may not feel ready initially for a toddler bed and be resentful of the baby as a result.


Seek out ways an older child can help with a younger sibling or new baby, but don't force chores. You want your child to feel like a helpful assistant and not a go-fetcher. Follow your child's lead on involvement with a new baby.


Provide your older child with one-on-one time with parents that don't involve the new baby. In the end, your child most wants to feel special and reassured that he is still loved and valued.


Ask your child's caregiver to help older child adjust to extended family. Utilize the adage that it takes a whole village to raise a child, and ask your youngster's childcare provider or teacher to lend a helping hand. Often, a caregiver can help a child adjust to an extended family or new baby by talking about families and about possible emotions a child may be feeling.

Realize that there's no perfect spacing of children by age. There are many theories and recommendations about whether children are closer when they are near in age or whether they are further apart, but for every rule there is an exception (and likewise). Parents sometimes like the idea that two similar-age children will be very close in interests and be playmates for one another or that a larger span will provide for helping hands of the older one to the younger one. While this can indeed be the case, be realistic in knowing that closeness or intense squabbling may depend on personalities, jealousies, and family dynamics overall and not just age. In a tough economy, the cost of raising a child can become a more important factor than age spread.
Siblings from blended families

Blended families are commonplace today, but parents often err in not allowing enough transition time. Just because each parent has a son around the same age, for example, doesn't necessarily mean they will become fast friends. Of course, everyone would love it if that did indeed happen, but forcing friendships or piling on guilt about how your child is behaving isn't the answer.


Involve older children in family decision making as often as possible, but if there is no flexibility regarding a certain rule, then be sure not to present it that there is. Maybe new step-siblings will be required to share a room, for example, but you can provide them with flexibility in choosing how to decorate it. Look for ways to minimize conflict and to promote civility. Closer relationships will take time.
Do's and Don'ts

Avoid comparing kids to one another. This sounds so easy in theory but is actually quite difficult to avoid.


Join forces as parents and avoid disagreeing with one another or taking sides with kids. Parents, particularly in blended families, should make a pact to present a unified front in front of children, and then work out differences in private. Your kids otherwise will quickly find out ways to divide and conquer.


Let kids work out their squabbles without your intervention. Since attention is a motivator for many arguments amongst children, not getting involved with your children's fights can help kids to work things out by themselves. At the same time, parents should pay attention that physical force is not being used and that someone is not getting hurt.


Don't let your kids get a rise out of you. Stay calm, cool, and collected and use that calmness to administer appropriate discipline or consequences in a non-judgmental fashion.


Utilize the fair, but not always equal, philosophy. Parents need to teach kids that being fair to all children doesn't mean being equal. A child who is older, for example, may get to stay up later or do activities that a younger sibling doesn't get to do. A child's party invite doesn't mean the other kids get to attend as well. Your job as a parent would be extremely challenging if you afforded all kids with equal opportunities to participate in the same things at the same time--regardless of age appropriateness.


Don't force siblings to be "buddies;" your very actions may backfire. Relationships will typically develop naturally, and in spite of your best efforts, your kids may not be particularly close. Or, they may become inseparable. While it is fair to expect civil behavior, don't require your child to act happy or pretend to be excited about a sibling or impending birth. Offer support and then your child work out some of his potentially conflicting emotions with you there by his side. Regardless of their common interests, what they will have is the common bond of years of shared experiences and memories!


Robin McClure

Brat Attack: Stopping Tantrums

Who hasn't heard an out-of-control toddler shrieking at the top of his lungs in a store while a frantic (and embarrassed) parent tries to defuse the situation? Anyone with toddlers knows the scenario all-too-well, and babysitters and providers alike have experienced the wails, acts of defiance, or outright tantrums. So, we all know what a toddler tantrum is; the question is what can be done about this brat-like behavior?

The good news is that child experts say that tantrums are typically not caused to test a parent's patience; rather, they are a typical part of growing up. Toddlers often act out because they are learning to control themselves and to develop independence. However, having said that, it doesn't mean parents should condone the behavior. Rather, parents and/or providers need to learn to manage the situations to make it less stressful on everyone involved. And part of that is by learning more about what typically causes the tantrum eruptions and find a solution to avoid those triggers.

To help in determining what helps to minimize tantrums, parents should note patterns concerning behavior as to when your child is at his best and at his worst; and what happens when she is hungry or tired; overstimulated; bored; or frustrated. Then, give the following suggestions a try.

As possible, try and schedule on-the-go activities during your child's peak times and avoid trips to the store and other errands during key meltdown times. Really observe and listen to your child, and understand that sometimes tantrums occur because your toddler is trying to communicate a feeling or need, and is frustrated over not being understood.


Praise, praise, praise good behavior and talk about what your expectations are and what consequences will be administered if bad behavior occurs. If you decide to reward a child for good behavior, consider making it in the form of a non-gift and non-food. The "treat" for great behavior, for example, can be 10 minutes of snuggle time in a favorite chair with a parent and picking a favorite book to look at together. Many parents fall into a trap of "buying" a child's good behavior, only to find that it backfires because kids will learn to manipulate that toward their own gain.


Be prepared to back up what consequences you set for a child, even if that means leaving a store without making the planned purchases, or really putting a child to bed for the evening 2 hours early. Parents/providers also need to not take it so personally when a child exhibits bratty behavior from time to time, and try and keep calm control and not let the explosion get the best of them.


The best news about tantrums is that they really and truly will pass. As kids continue to develop and improve their ability to communicate and make their wants/needs known, the tantrums will typically diminish. But not to worry; it only means children are on to their next stage of behavior and growth, and with it new actions and misdeeds to keep a handle on!


...... Robin McClure

Are today's kids too stressed out?

Are today's kids too stressed out?
Are we raising a generation of stressed-out kids? Sadly, the answer seems to be yes. Family dynamics, money concerns, social issues, and academic pressures seem to be the culprits. Several studies have taken a close look about kids and their level of anxiety. Would you say that today's kids seem more stressed out than when you were a child?
Answer: If you answered yes to whether today's kids are more stressed out than youth of previous generations, you'd be correct. Concerns about money, family dynamics, homework and overall school success, pressure to excel in extracurricular activities, and social issues are the culprits.

According to several new studies, average kids today are more stressed and anxious than their peers who were treated for a variety of psychiatric issues in previous generations. The findings also attributed causes as relating to higher divorce rates, concerns about the environment, and less social connectivity.

While stress is a normal occurrence during certain childhood periods, such as when studying for a final exam, for example, findings also indicate that kids are becoming stressed at an earlier age. In addition, pressures kids are feeling to succeed, due to traumatic events (like 9-11), or discussions about the environment and global warming, can add additional concerns. Parents may unwittingly contribute to a child's level of anxiety by putting them in too many competitive activities or having too-high of expectations at an early age.

Whatever happened to the notion of letting kids to simply be kids and learn through play and imagination?

...... Robin McClure

Keep Your Baby Comfortable in Inclement Weather

Sometimes it's hard to know how to dress your baby, particularly if you're going to be in and out of the house or car. Read these tips on keeping your baby comfortable both in and out of the house, all winter long.


Cold weather can be difficult to deal with when you have a baby. Whether you're inside the house or outside in the elements, you want to be sure that your baby is cozy but not overheated. Here are some simple baby clothing products you can use to keep your baby warm and content, no matter where you go this winter season.

When You're Hanging Out at Home

Chances are, you'll fight with yourself over the temperature at which to set the thermostat. You want the baby to be warm, but you don't want to sweat all day either. Here's the good news: babies really only need one more layer of clothing than adults do. So when you're hanging out at home for the day, just throw a lightweight sweatshirt or cardigan over the baby for a little extra warmth and forget about cranking up the thermostat. To keep toes warm, I recommend a simple pair of soft-soled baby shoes like Robeez or slippers like those from UGG.
For nap or bedtime, I recommend using a fleece sleep sack like this one from Halo. This will keep your baby plenty warm without extra layers or blankets, which can ultimately increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Unsure of how to purchase the proper sleep sack? Check out this video that shows you how to select the proper sleep sack for your baby.

When You Head Out for the Day

Dress in layers! Create a base layer with a thermal-regulating bamboo bodysuit and top it with several thin layers. This is particularly important if you'll be riding in the car because a bulky coat is not safe to wear in a baby carseat.
Don't forget a hat and mittens for your day out as well. Typically mittens that are connected by a string work best for babies because, even if they can get them off, they can't lose them somewhere in the back seat. If you want to make sure your baby doesn't take of their mittens, you can always use a pair of socks in place of traditional mittens.

Whenever you head out in the car, be sure you have an emergency baby clothes kit with you in the event you have a roadside breakdown. Nothing fancy, this kit is something you can put together yourself and store in a simple travel bag. To transport the baby from the house to the car or the car to your final destination, just wrap him in a blanket. This will keep him just as warm as if he were wearing a bulky jacket — plus it gives you an excuse to get in a few extra cuddles!

If you plan to spend a significant amount of time out in the winter elements, it's a good idea to invest in a baby bunting for your car seat or stroller as well as a pair of baby sunglasses. Baby sunglasses might seem like an odd choice for wintertime adventures, but it's actually more important that your baby wears sunglasses in the winter than in the summer; the reflection of the suns rays off the snow creates a stronger glare and is more harmful for your baby's eyes. Be sure to purchase a pair of baby sunglasses that provides the ultimate in protection. Above all else, don't forget the sunscreen!

Keeping your baby warm in the winter isn't hard; with a few simple wardrobe adjustments, you can easily keep him happy all day long.

.......Stacie McClintock

Before You Lose Charge: Ways to Keep Your Cool Around Kids

Of course you love kids, but sometimes they can truly make you want to scream or lose control. Kids have a way of sometimes bringing out the absolutely worst in adults. They can bait, talk back, and pout until you scream, "I give!" Early childhood educators offer these ideas for staying sane and in charge.

Let Kids Make Choices

Whether it is on how they spend their allowance or the type of sneakers they want, parents need to back off and let kids age-appropriate changes. Too often, parents initially give a child a choice, only to take it away by applying pressure, laying on the guilt, or making a kid upset. It's not really a child's choice if a parent tells kids what to do, is it? As long as choices fit within reason (such as dress code rules, budget, correct size, being age appropriate), then go along with it and don't badger them about it later.

Avoid Trap Triggers

Kids learn that certain words or actions can send parents into orbit or into a rage--and when they succeed, you as a parent lose. The key is to stay calm and in control. After all, you are not in charge only when you give that power away. Kids may say hurtful things ("I hate my life"), try and guilt you into purchasing something you disagree with ("Everyone my age has one but me"), or even give you the silent treatment, but avoid the trap by not over-reacting, or if possible, not reacting at all!

Let Kids Know It's Okay to Disagree

You want to raise independent-minded kids...right? That means that you also need to let them feel free to disagree with you, as long as it is done in a respectful way. Kids should learn to have and express their own point of view in a tasteful way, and conversations about how different family members think about thinks encourages mutual respect and positive family dynamics.

Let Kids Have Control Over Activities

Parents sometimes err in insisting that their kids take ballet lessons "because they'll love it later" or participate in soccer year after year "so they'll make the high school team" over protests. While parents should help direct young kids to certain activities based on interests or abilities, it is important to not relive your life through your kids and to mandate activities. Perhaps it's letting them choose between two equally-acceptable options (such as trying baseball or karate) and then supporting their decision.

Make Time On Their Terms to Talk

Parents always want to know how a child feels or why he is upset. Kids may not want or are unable to express their emotions, and parents should gather information on a child's terms instead of "insisting" on answers on the spot. Sometimes kids need time to process how they feel and may very well be able to resolve their emotions on their own. Parents should find a time when a child seems the most responsive to conversations and let a child lead the discussion.

Avoid Drawing Lines in the Sand

Adults should be very careful in drawing battle lines they may not be willing to maintain. Avoid getting to this point by not picking up the attacks or responding to something out of anger. Instead, a parent can choose to take a time-out from the conversation and agree to bring it up at a later point. If you do draw a line, however, you should be sure to stay firm and back it up or else kids will quickly figure out you are willing to change your position and issues if they bug you long enough.

Let Kids Maintain Their Personal Space

Whether it is their messy bedroom, unbrushed hair, or even wrinkled clothes, parents should try their best to bite their tongue and not offer unsolicited advice or retorts. Kids need to have their personal space and learn responsibility over their personal look and grooming efforts as well. Adults quickly learn that kids sometimes goad reactions by doing exactly the opposite a parent requests, so don't go there!

Don't Criticize Them and Their Friends

Your children love you, and hurtful words and criticisms, especially in the guise of helpful parenting, can damage a parent-child relationship. Avoid cutting remarks and alienating their friends unless you truly know there is a legal, social or true reason why you must. Get over not liking someone who is your child's friend if you don't have any particular reason why or simply think the child is odd. Don't play the "bad influence" card unless you have absolute proof that this is the case. If so, parenting power can certainly step in.

Are today's kids too stressed out?

Question: Are today's kids too stressed out?

Are we raising a generation of stressed out kids? Several studies have taken a close look about kids and their level of anxiety. Would you say that today's kids seem more stressed out than when you were a child?

Answer: If you answered yes to whether today's kids are more stressed out than youth of previous generations, you'd be correct. Concerns about money, family dynamics, homework and overall school success, pressure to excel in extracurricular activities, and social issues are the culprits.

According to several new studies, average kids today are more stressed and anxious than their peers who were treated for a variety of psychiatric issues in previous generations. The findings also attributed causes as relating to higher divorce rates, concerns about the environment, and less social connectivity.

While stress is a normal occurrence during certain childhood periods, such as when studying for a final exam, for example, findings also indicate that kids are becoming stressed at an earlier age. In addition, pressures kids are feeling to succeed, due to traumatic events (like 9-11), or discussions about the environment and global warming, can add additional concerns. Parents may unwittingly contribute to a child's level of anxiety by putting them in too many competitive activities or having too-high of expectations at an early age.

Whatever happened to the notion of letting kids to simply be kids and learn through play and imagination?

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009